deathkilljess

My new bike is almost done.
I start working at Ray's again on Saturday.

It's been months since I have felt like friend.

Seven Generations, the band, rules.  Housemates consenting to have my house searched sucks.  My girlfriend being buddy buddy with cops while they are in our house is just irritating and annoying.  Having a life sucks.  I'll probably run away again some day.

Today I rode my bike in the wet. It was pretty good.
I really want an electronic drumset so I can play in my room and lay down more DeathKILL tracks. Clicking the screen for beats just isn't working out.

By the way, one of my favorite bands for the last year has been Alcest!
http://www.myspace.com/alcestmusic

My friends are in jail.
I want to help them.

http://mostlyeverything.net/index.html


I'm giving them at least 100 dollars!
and I want to do a benefit for them too.

In the book I'm reading, the main character is immortalHe can die, but he can choose to either leave life altogether by walking through one door or choose to come back to his body by walking through another.  The price for his immortality is that every time he chooses to live again, someone he loves dies.  Fortunately, he doesn't age and his body regenerates very quickly.  I wish I had this ability. I wish I could really see how meaningless life is by really understanding that everyone I know will die. I want to be able to just get up and leave and not think twice.I want to know just how empty all my comforts are.  I want the chance to live any life life I choose because I have the time.
Wouldn't it be nice to know you had all the time in the world?
Or should we feel better knowing that some day we won't have to deal with this anymore? And we don't even have to choose to end it!

What am I even talking about?

I think I understand why people like getting up early.
I woke up at 8AM and instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, I somehow managed to stand up. I'll be tired as fuck later, but I've already taken initiative and sent a resume to Ray's Monkey house.  That'd be such a badass job.

I also bought a new bike wheel from craigslist yesterday! It's tight. Check me out flying by on my bike.

"Compared to non-believers, the religious participants showed significantly less activity in the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), a portion of the brain that helps modify behavior by signaling when attention and control are needed, usually as a result of some anxiety-producing event like making a mistake.'


Who would've guessed?



http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/03/090304160400.htm

"Most people who have engaged in masturbation know that the culmination of this sexual act ends in shame. I don't have to share with you the thousands of emails of the admittance of this shame because you know all too well since you have experienced it yourself. Curled up in a fetal position, crying, because your bed is even more empty and you're lonelier than you did before you violated yourself...Because God never created sex so that you could gratify yourself. The dictionary defined masturbation as self abuse...the miss use of yourself. The mistreatment, the manipulation, the exploitation of YOU."

"...it taps you on the shoulder 3 o'clock in the morning even when you don't want it. You want to stop but you can't. You cry, you repent and say you won't do it any more but you find yourself molesting yourself again...When will it ever end? I'm here to tell you that cold showers don't work and saying you won't do it anymore won't either."


This is part of an article I found online about Christianity and masturbation. Isn't God wonderful?





http://www.dasouth.com/features/drty/450-masterbation

I still hate everything and everyone.

What is this infatuation with suicide?

The Hunger Argument

Number of people worldwide who will die as a result of malnutrition this year: 20 million
Number of people who could be adequately fed using land freed if Americans reduced their intake of meat by 10%: 100 million
Percentage of corn grown in the U.S. eaten by people: 20
Percentage of corn grown in the U.S. eaten by livestock: 80
Percentage of oats grown in the U.S. eaten by livestock: 95
Percentage of protein wasted by cycling grain through livestock: 90
How frequently a child dies as a result of malnutrition: every 2.3 seconds
Pounds of potatoes that can be grown on an acre: 40,000
Pounds of beef produced on an acre: 250
Percentage of U.S. farmland devoted to beef production: 56
Pounds of grain and soybeans needed to produce a pound of edible flesh from feedlot beef: 16



The Environmental Argument

Cause of global warming: greenhouse effect
Primary cause of greenhouse effect: carbon dioxide emissions from fossil fuels
Fossil fuels needed to produce meat-centered diet vs. a meat-free diet: 3 times more
Percentage of U.S. topsoil lost to date: 75
Percentage of U.S. topsoil loss directly related to livestock raising: 85
Number of acres of U.S. forest cleared for cropland to produce meat-centered diet: 260 million
Amount of meat imported to U.S. annually from Central and South America: 300,000,000 pounds
Percentage of Central American children under the age of five who are undernourished: 75
Area of tropical rainforest consumed in every quarter-pound of rainforest beef: 55 square feet
Current rate of species extinction due to destruction of tropical rainforests for meat grazing and other uses: 1,000 per year



The Cancer Argument

Increased risk of breast cancer for women who eat meat daily compared to less than once a week: 3.8 times
For women who eat eggs daily compared to once a week: 2.8 times
For women who eat butter and cheese 2-4 times a week: 3.25 times
Increased risk of fatal ovarian cancer for women who eat eggs 3 or more times a week vs. less than once a week: 3 times
Increased risk of fatal prostate cancer for men who consume meat, cheese, eggs and milk daily vs. sparingly or not at all: 3.6 times.



The Cholesterol Argument

Number of U.S. medical schools: 125
Number requiring a course in nutrition: 30
Nutrition training received by average U.S. physician during four years in medical school: 2.5 hours
Most common cause of death in the U.S.: heart attack
How frequently a heart attack kills in the U.S.: every 45 seconds
Average U.S. man's risk of death from heart attack: 50 percent
Risk of average U.S. man who eats no meat: 15 percent
Risk of average U.S. man who eats no meat, dairy or eggs: 4 percent
Amount you reduce risk of heart attack if you reduce consumption of meat, dairy and eggs by 10 percent: 9 percent
Amount you reduce risk of heart attack if you reduce consumption by 50 percent: 45 percent
Amount you reduce risk if you eliminate meat, dairy and eggs from your diet: 90 percent
Average cholesterol level of people eating meat-centered-diet: 210 mg/dl
Chance of dying from heart disease if you are male and your blood cholesterol level is 210 mg/dl: greater than 50 percent



The Natural Resources Argument

User of more than half of all water used for all purposes in the U.S.: livestock production
Amount of water used in production of the average cow: sufficient to float a destroyer
Gallons of water needed to produce a pound of wheat: 25
Gallons of water needed to produce a pound of California beef: 5,000
Years the world's known oil reserves would last if every human ate a meat-centered diet: 13
Years they would last if human beings no longer ate meat: 260
Calories of fossil fuel expended to get 1 calorie of protein from beef: 78
To get 1 calorie of protein from soybeans: 2
Percentage of all raw materials (base products of farming, forestry and mining, including fossil fuels) consumed by U.S. that is devoted to the production of livestock: 33
Percentage of all raw materials consumed by the U.S. needed to produce a complete vegetarian diet: 2



The Antibiotic Argument

Percentage of U.S. antibiotics fed to livestock: 55
Percentage of staphylococci infections resistant to penicillin in 1960: 13
Percentage resistant in 1988: 91
Response of European Economic Community to routine feeding of antibiotics to livestock: ban
Response of U.S. meat and pharmaceutical industries to routine feeding of antibiotics to livestock: full and complete support



The Pesticide Argument

Common belief: U.S. Department of Agriculture protects our health through meat inspection
Reality: fewer than 1 out of every 250,000 slaughtered animals is tested for toxic chemical residues
Percentage of U.S. mother's milk containing significant levels of DDT: 99
Percentage of U.S. vegetarian mother's milk containing significant levels of DDT: 8
Contamination of breast milk, due to chlorinated hydrocarbon pesticides in animal products, found in meat-eating mothers vs. non-meat eating mothers: 35 times higher
Amount of Dieldrin ingested by the average breast-fed American infant: 9 times the permissible level



The Ethical Argument

Number of animals killed for meat per hour in the U.S.: 660,000
Occupation with highest turnover rate in U.S.: slaughterhouse worker
Occupation with highest rate of on-the-job-injury in U.S.: slaughterhouse worker



The Survival Argument

Athlete to win Ironman Triathlon more than twice: Dave Scott (6 time winner)
Food choice of Dave Scott: Vegetarian
Largest meat eater that ever lived: Tyrannosaurus Rex (Where is he today?)



Source = "Diet For A New America" by John Robbins

Tomorrow I'm 19.
Want to ride bikes?

Columbus
--------------

Sleeping problems
No exercise
World of Warcraft
Not leaving house
Barely out of bedroom
Blank mind
No friends



I've realized that I can't do anything without friends
AND
while I have friends
almost none of them are like I used to have -- that I'm used to.

Since I've been back, the myth of Sisyphus comes to mind.
We are all doomed to repeat futile meaningless  tasks until we die. Is this life worth living? Is suicide an answer? Or is the fact that I know I'll die anyway enough? If I die now, or if I die much later, I'll finally be relieved.
I can take more of this.
Absurd.

 My Laptop broke.
It won't start up.
What the fuck.
I'm done.

It's supposed to  rain seven out of the next ten days.

No way!
It'd be so cool to live in medieval times!
Imagine me walking around with this on my belt!



I'd be so cool!
I'd still always have my hood up, and wear some cool armor.
and be Robin Hood!

I bet I look really cool.
Sitting here.
Listening to black metal.
Shirtless, with a tattoo across my chest.
in shorts.
Gettin' a lil' chubby.
Drinkin' soda.
With a space heater an inch away.
and the window open.

I've had bad dreams
and unstimulating days
but this sketti is good